WTF!? 9/29--It's Telly Time!

Sorry, but quoting Spike from "Buffy the Vampire Slayer" is about as much enthusiam as you'll get from me regarding the Fall TV season. Or TV in general really. Pop culture geek though I am, there's been little on the Boob Tube that has truly interested me in the past three or four years or so. I could blame it on grad school, but the fact is, network television has been shoveling out the crap for a couple of years now. And since I don't believe in paying for television (i.e. I am too cheap to get cable), I have missed out on the top-notch acting and razor-sharp writing found on networks like HBO and....er HBO. There have been a few a couple of good new entries last season, but nothing came close to being "must see TV" for me except for my reality TV fixations like "American Idol" and "The Amazing Race". And neither of those shows had actual actors or scripts and have budgets about as big as your average programming exec's salary. Hey, I don't want it to be this way; network TV is just not giving me anything to work with! But I always live in hope--maybe this year will be different. I mean I've got the Big Four, the WB and UPN to choose from. Maybe PBS will even bust out with something that isn't a BBC import from, like, five years ago.

Yeah, right.

But anyway, on with the shows. Since most of the shows that I'm mentioning have already premeired, this is not much a "preview", but I've been too busy sleeping after multiple crappy days at work to check 'em out. So I'm taking the NBC summer rerun approach to this rant ("If I haven't seen it, it's new to me!")

Note: All times listed are Central/Standard. I'm a Midwesterner, dammit!

girls club-FOX, Monday 8pm
Because David E. Kelley hasn't explored the world of the young affluent white professional woman nearly enough. girls club (don't forget to keep the title lowercased, just think of bell hooks!) is the first of two shows premiering this year that feature three female protagonists, a blonde, a brunette and a red-head. Just like--The Powerpuff Girls! Although I'm sure the PPG will likely end up being a more feminist show than this dreck, which just looks like "Snoops", only this time they have real jobs. I don't know why DEK continues to delude himself into thinking that he knows how to write for female characters. Does he even talk to chicks? I think he spends most of his time reading Cosmo and watching "Passions" to get his insight on the female psyche. Just stop it, David! Stop pretending like you "get" chicks. Try writing a show about a...football team or something. Inflict your gender stereotypes on the guys for a change!

CSI:Miami-CBS Monday 9pm
It's like CSI, only it's in Miami.

Fastlane-FOX, Wednesday 8-9PM

Okay, so even if you watched a half hour of FOX this entire summer, then you've probably seen previews for this show at least twenty times. I'll give FOX this much, they don't pretend that this show is anything but "Fast and the Furious--The Television Series" From the ads, to the music, to the name itself, this show screams "If we could afford Vin Diesel, he'd be here!" But alas, the best they could do is MTV's Bill Bellamy and Tiffani-Amber Theissen. Which you know, isn't bad, but....Oh who am I kidding!? It's more than bad, it's sad. I saw about 10 minutes of this show, a scene where an attractive blonde woman was killed in slow motion to the plaintive sounds of Coldplay. It looked like a bad John Woo movie. That is, every movie John Woo has made in the U.S. so far. So let's see here, we've got Bill Bellamy, Kelly Kapowski, and Coldplay. Sounds like a winner to--oh hey, "The Amazing Race" is on!

MD's-ABC/Presidio Med-CBS Wednesday 9-10pm
One show is on ABC, the other CBS, one show is a satire featuring maverick doctors working against the system, the other is an estro-centric traditional drama, with a cast of Strong Female Characters TM. One stars Dana Delany, the other stars that British dude from "The Mummy". So what else distinguishes these two medical dramas? Well, Anna Deveare Smith is on Presidio Med, and she is awesome. But outside of that, hell if I know. All I know is that I'm bored to death of medical dramas. And cop dramas, And lawyer dramas. They are the only three career choices in Tee Vee land. It's like The Game of Life. How about some originality? Some car salesmen, maybe? Construction workers? Advertising Execs? Soft-core porn actors? Come on, think outside the box you guys! My current dream is a show on the unsung heroes of medicine-epidemiologists. A crackerjack team of specialists saving the world from smallpox and dengue fever before bedtime. It's ... The CDC! Coming soon to CBS! Come on, you know it sounds cool. But, er, anyway... Yeah. "MD's". "Presidio Med". They're on TV. Check 'em out. I might.

Less than Perfect ABC, Wednesday 8:30-9
I really don't get the point of this sitcom. The main character, (who I presume the title is referring to) seems attractive enough. She's bigger than most women on TV, but she's not fat. She looks like women I see every day, really. It just seems weird to me that the show would be called "Less than Perfect" Is the whole selling point of the show that she is not Jennifer Aniston, and therefore a wellspring of comedic possibility. Because well, shit, most of us aren't Jennifer Aniston. Why is this funny? Why would TV execs think that people would want to spend a half an hour laughing at a TV character because she looks like a normal person? Then again,maybe people do. Maybe I'm just crazy.

Birds of Prey--WB, Wednesday 8:00-9:00
Is it possible to look forward to a show and dread it at the same time? Cause that's how I feel about "Birds of Prey". The second show this season with a Powerpuff Girls inspired cast, BoP is in the unique position of being a Batman show that does not feature Batman. Instead the main characters are Batman and Catwoman's daughter, inexplicably called The Huntress (Why she isn't BatCatGirl or SmallMammalGirl is beyond me. I rather like those names), the wheelchair-bound leader formerly known as Batgirl, and some blonde chick. I am not a DC Comics fan, so I have no idea who she is. These women fight crime vigilante-style in New Gotham City, while yum-tastic Shemar Moore is hot (hee!)on their trail. Sounds good on paper, right? Then I see a promo shot and thought "Ugh. This is some Kevin Smith fanboy bullshit." Why?These women are wearing underwear. How are they supposed to fight crime in panties, yo? I was kind of upset at first, then I thought about it for a little while: Shemar Moore is in it, after all. It can't be that fanboy-oriented. And after all, "Smallville" is pretty much an International Male catalog with some action sequences, so why not let the boys have their fun?

Dinotopia-ABC, Thursday 7PM
Oh hey! It's Must-see TV time, and the three of you who are not watching "Friends" may want to check out Dinotopia, a land where DINOSAURS STILL ROAM THE EARTH!

Or maybe not.

Do Over-WB, Thursday 7:30pm
There's another show with the same exact plot premiering on ABC, about a 30 year old guy that goes back in time to the 80's when he was a teenager, but I don't remember what it's called. All I remember is that in the "Do Over" ads they play "Relax" by Frankie Goes to Hollywood and I thought that maybe the kid was a gay teenager. But he's not. That would have been kind of cool, and made it different than the ABC show, at least.

Firefly-FOX Friday 7pm.
Another show I've seen about 10 minutes of. Actually less than that. You know FOX has no hope for this show, whatsoever. You might as well put a test pattern on network TV Friday nights, cause no one is ever home. People who are at home have likely made it a Blockbuster night. Fact is, nobody watches television on Friday nights, which means that FOX has sent this show to an early grave. I know that Joss Whedon probably wants to branch out and strech his creative wings after years focusing on the Buffy-verse, I just don't know if America is ready for a "Space Western". And more importantly, I don't know if Joss is ready to write it. Word around town is Mr. Whedon is a big fan of the anime Cowboy Bebop (which is very good, BTW), and the whole idea of a group of mercenaries tooling around on a spaceship does seem awfully familiar. But outside of those fans who get the Bebop/Outlaw Star comparisons, and loyal Buffy fans, what's the audience for this show? Can he make it compelling enough to attract sci-fi wary viewers, who don't know Buffy the Vampire Slayer from Buffy on Family Affair? Who knows. I'll probably never find out, since I'm never home on Friday nights, either.

American Dreams-NBC, Sunday 8-9pm
NBC says this show is the next "great new American drama". To me, this show looks like the next limp attempt for Baby Boomers to wax nostagic about the 60's. That is all.

Well, that's about all I can spit out tonight. I know I missed a bunch of sitcoms and dramas like NBC's "Boomtown" and CBS' "Robbery Homicide Division" (which sounds like a good show if I could get over the lame-ass title), but I'm not the frigging TV Guide. If you wanna find out about everything that's coming on this season, go to your local bookstore and check out Entertainment Weekly or something. Oh, and happy viewing!